The last time I wrote to you, you were nestled inside of me. It was the day we saw your heartbeat. A tiny flicker on a screen, and a promise of a miracle in the making. We came home and put your picture on the fridge.
I was convinced it was going to be one of the most amazing things I’ll ever do. I already felt like your mom. I was excited to start our journey together. And then it ended too soon.
For some reason unknown, you weren’t meant for this world. I was told it “just happens sometimes.”
It broke me. Nine months later, and I still feel the loss of you creeping into my heart from time to time. Every positive pregnancy test, every pregnant belly, every ultrasound picture is a reminder of what things could have been.
As we come upon what would have been your due date, I so badly wish things could have been different. I wish you were here cuddled in our arms. That makes this month especially hard.
They say “Everything happens for a reason”, and that seems unfair. But I have grown stronger than I ever thought I could. Losing you has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure, but the truth is that we can do hard things. The truth is that we grow from hard things. I will always carry your loss with me, but I do believe I’ve emerged stronger through it all.
We couldn’t have you here, but I know you are somewhere. I like to think you are with your Papa and Great Grandpa. Maybe Buela is giving you a big slobber and Lucy is curled up close.
Your picture now sits in a box full of our memories. Our love story told in years of greeting cards and concert tickets, lace from my wedding dress, and then there's you. You will forever be the first thing we've created together. Our first miracle.
Thank you for leaving us with hope. Your brief existence has promised us the possibility of having a baby here on earthside one day. It is not a question of “if”, it’s only a matter of “when”.
For as long as I live, I’ll always remember you. Our time together was short, but it will last forever in my heart. Thank you. I love you.